A Bab Ballad, by W.S. Gilbert
PHRENOLOGY.
"COME, collar this bad man -
Around the throat he knotted me
Till I to choke began -
In point of fact, garotted me!"
So spake SIR HERBERT WHITE
To JAMES, Policeman Thirty-two -
All ruffled with his fight
SIR HERBERT was, and dirty too.
Policeman nothing said
(Though he had much to say on it),
But from the bad man's head
He took the cap that lay on it.
"No, great SIR HERBERT WHITE -
Impossible to take him up.
This man is honest quite -
Wherever did you rake him up?
"For Burglars, Thieves, and Co.,
Indeed, I'm no apologist,
But I, some years ago,
Assisted a Phrenologist.
"Observe his various bumps,
His head as I uncover it:
His morals lie in lumps
All round about and over it."
"Now take him," said SIR WHITE,
"Or you will soon be rueing it;
Bless me! I must be right, -
I caught the fellow doing it!"
Policeman calmly smiled,
"Indeed you are mistaken, sir,
You're agitated - riled -
And very badly shaken, sir.
"Sit down, and I'll explain
My system of Phrenology,
A second, please, remain" -
(A second is horology).
Policeman left his beat -
(The Bart., no longer furious,
Sat down upon a seat,
Observing, "This is curious!")
"Oh, surely, here are signs
Should soften your rigidity:
This gentleman combines
Politeness with timidity.
"Of Shyness here's a lump -
A hole for Animosity -
And like my fist his bump
Of Impecuniosity.
"Just here the bump appears
Of Innocent Hilarity,
And just behind his ears
Are Faith, and Hope, and Charity.
He of true Christian ways
As bright example sent us is -
This maxim he obeys,
'SORTE TUA CONTENTUS SIS.'
"There, let him go his ways,
He needs no stern admonishing."
The Bart., in blank amaze,
Exclaimed, "This is astonishing!
"I MUST have made a mull,
This matter I've been blind in it:
Examine, please, MY skull,
And tell me what you find in it."
That Crusher looked, and said,
With unimpaired urbanity,
"SIR HERBERT, you've a head
That teems with inhumanity.
"Here's Murder, Envy, Strife
(Propensity to kill any),
And Lies as large as life,
And heaps of Social Villany.
"Here's Love of Bran-New Clothes,
Embezzling - Arson - Deism -
A taste for Slang and Oaths,
And Fraudulent Trusteeism.
"Here's Love of Groundless Charge -
Here's Malice, too, and Trickery,
Unusually large
Your bump of Pocket-Pickery - "
"Stop!" said the Bart., "my cup
Is full - I'm worse than him in all;
Policeman, take me up -
No doubt I am some criminal!"
That Pleeceman's scorn grew large
(Phrenology had nettled it),
He took that Bart. in charge -
I don't know how they settled it.
_
respond?
(1)
08:04:35 PM,
Saturday 18 October 2003
-
So, now I know what back spasms are. The strangest thing is that seem unable to learn that it hurts to look down, I keep rediscovering it every hour or so. It makes reading difficult, not being able to look down, and I'm scared of operating vehicles until I stop wincing at seemingly random intervals.
_
respond?
(1)
06:20:28 PM,
Saturday 18 October 2003
-
Something is wrong with my back. I feel how this newly-discovered frog looks.
_
respond?
(2)
07:42:10 AM,
Friday 17 October 2003
-
Cubicle1: You're phone rang while you were gone.
Cubicle2: Did it sound important?
_
respond?
03:10:01 PM,
Thursday 16 October 2003
-
I just realized where I've felt this before. I'm on a project which in all likelihood is going to come crashing down around our ears on November 3rd, and I've developed a fatalistic approach to it; I'm just waiting for disaster, and trying to fill the time between now and then in attempts that I know can't possibly solve the problem, but make me feel that at least I tried, and spending as little time in the office as possible. It feels just like essay-writing.
_
respond?
(2)
11:08:18 AM,
Thursday 16 October 2003
-
NPR's attempt at a half-hour political comedy show The Strategic Humor Initiative isn't half bad, but that's only because the awful Jimmy Tingle wasn't on much. Why is he famous? Does anyone think he's funny? Dennis Miller would have been an improvement. Alf would have been an improvement. I've been hoping for a show like this ever since I started watching the CBC from Michigan, so was happy to see Mary Walsh from This Hour has 22 minutes, but she seemed off. Perhaps she'd been told to tone down the canadian stuff. Perhaps I only think she's funny when she's making fun of canadian politicans I know nothing about. Perhaps she's out of practice stuffing doughnuts in her mouth. The Canadian stand-up comedian was utterly out of place; I suspect most stand-up comedians will be. Sir David Frost utterly outclasses Jon Stewart. Jon Stewart's main gag seems to be his bad delivery of mediocre jokes, and the faces he makes afterwards, and his occasional shouting. Jimmy Carr was the funniest thing I've seen in ages. I can't remember any of his jokes, but my God, that face, half Nixon, half Orson Wells, protruding about a foot in front of his neck. The joke that sticks with me from the show is the Bush impression, in particular Bush explaining why you needed two sheep, one under each arm. Then again, I like sheep jokes. I didn't make it all the way through much of the show about flea markets; Bailed out and switched to Chef. Ahh, the simple pleasures of a second rate Fawlty Towers knock-off.
_
respond?
(5)
10:34:00 PM,
Tuesday 14 October 2003
-
Today I used my recumbent bike to commute to work for the first time; I felt very efficient, and cars showed no interest in running me over. Not that they get much chance, it's a bike trail along a railway grade most of the way. I love my helmet-mounted rear view mirror. Everyone should have a rear view mirror.
One of the strangest things about a recumbent is that I'm not even slightly self-conscious. There's a whole ugly duckling thing, I completely forget that I'm not like all the other bikes.
_
respond?
06:21:28 PM,
Tuesday 14 October 2003
-
Yay! A co-worker just used the phrase addle-brained in an e-mail. I don't believe I've ever seen it incarnated in text before. The dictionary says that addling was what eggs did when they went rotten. I love lost metaphors. I want to learn to use muddle in a non-metaphorical sense.
\Mud"dle\, v. i.
1. To dabble in mud. [Obs.] --Swift.
_
respond?
(1)
01:28:37 PM,
Monday 13 October 2003
-
I was wrong; Microsoft is evil. Windows XP home ships with Spider, the greatest and most destructive variation on the societal illness that is solitare.
_
respond?
(2)
01:27:12 PM,
Saturday 11 October 2003
-
Good for Rush Limbaugh. There are many things I can't stand about him, but I'm impressed by his flamboyant sense of decency. Remind me never to trust doctors bearing painkillers. I have enough of a problem with over-the-counter Doritos. I never know what to make of Rush; he's unlistenable, because he very intentionally picks out the weak, stupid and horrible, attacks them, and extrapolates from there; however, sometimes he drifts off topic, off politics, off formula, and then he can be fascinating. He's a mac person, as well. Apple refused to run advertisements on his 'network', and he went on about it for a while, but also plugged their products despite the snub, which I thought was very decent of him.
_
respond?
(2)
08:24:39 PM,
Friday 10 October 2003
-
Even better: I could stick my hard drive in the freezer in case there is ever future techonology that would let me recover it. I could, of course, try spending lots of money to have it repaired now, but really, how can I put a price on my nethack high score list?
_
respond?
07:50:17 PM,
Friday 10 October 2003
-
I have a computer once more! My old hard drive is dead, however. Mourn the hard drive. Maybe I can get it framed, hang it on the wall.
_
respond?
(1)
05:08:22 PM,
Friday 10 October 2003
-
site & script courtesy of Moss