KILLER GOLDFISH SWALLOWS MAN WHOLE!
John Morton of Salem Oregon was viciously murdered --by his pet goldfish! Morton had been missing for about a week before Salem autorities broke down his door and found nothing but part of his left foot, still in a brown leather penny loafer. "Those were his favorite shoes," said Morton's longtime friend Al Williams. "He wore them everywhere, so I guess it's fitting that he died in them.
Salem's forensics team had a tough time resolving the case, but the evidence was clear. Morton's pet goldfish, Sammy, had gotten a wee bit too hungry for his owner's good. "We think what happened is that Sammy acted hungry so that the victim would feed him, and when the victim's hand was near the water's surface, the fish attacked and pulled him in," said Greg Davis of the Salem Police Department. Davis added that they had to callin an animal control expert to remove the perp from the premises. "It wasn't pretty. That tank was full of blod and bone fragments. I never knew a little goldfish could be so vicious."
Morton's friends and family were less shocked at teh horrible crime. Morton's ex-wife, Miranda told us, "That fish had a mean streak a mile wide. I'd probably still be married to John if the fish hadn't come between us. John never saw it, though, and now it's too late." Annabelle Morton, John's mother, voiced similar feelings.
"Johnny never believed me when I told him that Sammy was a monster. I knew it fromt he way he'd stare at me when I visited. Johnny used to laugh at me for refusing to get within ten feet of the tank, but I knew better. Poor Johnny. I guess he's with God now."
So what will become of the fish? The federal government plans to keep him and study him in hopes of building a new killer weapon. Enemies of the United States beware! As for Morton, "We've got his foot and his shoe," said williams. We plan to give it a proper burial. I think that's what John would have wanted."
Aside from memorial service plans, Morton's loved ones are also planning on hosting a special information session to help other people recognize killr pets before disaster strikes. "It's too late for John," said his ex-wife, "But maybe we can help other people. maybe we can even save a marriage or two."
If you're wondering how you can save yourself or a loved one from the same fate, Annabelle Morton has some tips for you:
*Look at the eyes. If they are red or devoi of emotion, your pet may be a killer.
*If you turn your back on your pet and he or she insists on having your attention, your pet may be a killer.
*Most important, if you feed the pet and he or she doesn't eat, but seems always hungry, call a professional now! You pet is almost certainly a killer!
Tune in tomorrow for more writing exercise goodness.
